Today I find myself struggling. I have been on the verge of tears all day. No, it's nothing to do with Faith. I'm going through a little 'blip' with my own health. Strange, even though I know I have a heart condition, I don't really think about it much. I take my daily meds and that's about the extent of it. I'm more concerned about Faith and how she's doing in school, at therapy, with her digestion, with her stretches, with her learning, the list goes on and on. There is little room to think about me. As is the norm, I think, not just for moms of special needs children but all moms.
It all started last week when I went in for a routine pacemaker check to see how much life was left on my battery. It was good news - still about 16 months left to go, which means no trip to Rochester anytime soon for a battery replacement. Then early this week, my cardiologist from Mayo calls and asks how I've been feeling lately. Apparently there was an arrhythmia called atrial fibrillation on my pacemaker report. I was a bit baffled as I hadn't been feeling any palpitations or abnormalities. He wanted me to get a 24-hour holter monitor and then we would go from there.
On Thursday, thanks to my good friend, Tina, I made it to Medcenter to get my holter attached. I had one about 15 years ago and they are much smaller now. While I was getting hooked up, Tina had taken Faith and her kids to the library. When I was all done, I met them all at the library and as it turned out a local dance company was giving a ballet demonstration. There were twelve dancing princesses and Faith and Tina's girls just loved it! It's all Faith could talk about last night.
I didn't sleep well last night because I was paranoid about something on my monitor getting disconnected. So this morning after getting Faith to school, I was thankful to get in a three-hour nap.
Since receiving the phone call from my cardiologist and especially since being hooked up to the monitor, I have been trying hard to not let fear or anxiety take over. I have moments of thinking what if something were seriously wrong with my heart, what if I end up needing another surgery, how would I take care of Faith? BUT I do know that God is in control, He truly is the Master Planner. He knows what my future holds and he will make provisions for all of my needs to be met, just as He always has. I'm so thankful that by knowing Him, I can take comfort in His promises.
It helps, also to have a wonderful friend to talk with and be with and pray with during this time. I'm so thankful for my friend Tina and I don't know what I'd do without her! She is a total blessing to our whole family.
Seven minutes left, then I can finally take off this monitor and take a nice, soothing shower!